Romney's Post Debate Conference

Note: See my previous post for the pre-debate conference.
The following is a fictional account of Romney's post-debate conference with his three debate coaches.
However, it is based on best assessments and most likely scenarios of what probably happened.

A stunned Mitt Romney, still in a state of shock after leaving the debate stage, approaches a conference room to confer with his coaches. He can hear the sounds of urban-style hip hop music. He opens the door to the sight of his three debate coaches dancing in celebration. A surprisingly limber and nimble Roger Ailes is putting on an amazing display of krumping. Sean Hannity is on his back spinning like a top on the floor. Bill O'Reilly is locking, popping and moonwalking across the room. A half empty bottle of Macallan whiskey, dated 1926, which Ailes had purchased at Christie's for $30,000, is on the table along with four glasses. The three rush Mitt, hooting and hollering, slapping high-fives. Hannity spikes that stupid football he's always tossing on his TV show.

Mitt: "I can't believe it. He didn't bring it up."

O'Reilly: "This is a miracle! There must be a God after all! There's no other explanation!"

Hannity: "I told you O'Reilly! God's on our side. Prayer works every time it's tried!

Mitt: "But I still can't believe it. They had me on tape calling 47% of the American people -- most of whom are honest, hard working people who contribute tremendously to society and the economy -- nothing but a bunch of self-entitled, dependent moochers who can't even take care of themselves. I practically called them all lazy, worthless scum."

O'Reilly: "You know, Mitt might be on to something. With all the evil we've been doing for all these years. The lying, the cheating, the hypocrisy. The plot to drive up the debt so that we can use it as the excuse to take away all of the social programs that benefit the poor and middle class..."

Ailes: " Starve the Beast baby!! Starve it 'till it's small enough to drown in the bathtub!!"

O'Reilly: "... then we have the unmitigated gall to hold the country hostage for even more tax cuts for the rich, even though all those Bush tax cuts produced zero jobs and only blew up the debt. Let's face it, we're a bunch of scumbags. Why would God do this for us? Could that be possible? Was it really God?"

A suddenly nervous looking Ailes: "Well, Bill, you said it yourself, 'there's no other explanation.'"

O'Reilly: "That's right. There is no other explanation... unless... [Ailes is now twiddling his thumbs and whistling while looking up to the ceiling.] Ailes, you didn't! You couldn't!"

Mitt: "Didn't? Couldn't? What are you talking about, O'Reilly?"

O'Reilly: "Ailes, you made a deal with the Devil! A Faustian bargain!"

Ailes: "OK, OK. You got me. I made a pact with Satan." [shocked disbelief around the room]

Mitt: "Roger, how could you!!?"

Ailes: "It's easy Mitt. I have Lucifer on speed-dial. How do you think I got so many people to believe that Fox News is 'fair and balanced?'
We report, you decide! [Hannity and Ailes bust out laughing] Besides, I only promised him Sean's first born son."

Mitt: "Oh God, Sean, I had no idea!"

Hannity: "Don't worry Mitt. As long as Obama and taxes for the rich both go down, it's worth it."

[A shaken Romney slumps into a chair. Ailes pours a glass of whiskey and hands it to Mitt]

Ailes: "I know it's a shock, Mitt. Drink this, it'll make you feel better."

Mitt: "I'm a Mormon, Roger. We don't drink alcohol."

Ailes: "You're in shock and you're upset. You're trembling, Mitt. This is medicinal. It's like Xanax, only better."

O'Reilly: "A lot better. Give me another glass of that $30,000 whiskey."

[Mitt takes the first drink of whiskey in his life. He gags on the first gulp but then pours the rest down his gullet and then shudders.]

O'Reilly: "Roger, I gotta admit, when they made evil geniuses they broke the mold after they made you."

Ailes: "Let me propose a toast. To Mitt's great performance and Sean's brilliant tactics."

[They all clink glasses]

Ailes: "Sean, I loved the way Mitt pulled off that line you gave him; 'Look, I've got five boys. I'm used to people saying something that's not always true, but just keep on repeating it and ultimately hoping I'll believe it.'
Not only did he get to use that on Obama before Obama got to use it on him -- even though Obama's telling the truth and Mitt's the one repeating the lie -- but he got to use the 'boy' dog whistle too!"
 [everyone is laughing as they hoist another drink]

O'Reilly: "I'm a little nervous about that dog whistle, though. Don't you think the libs are going to notice that and use the race card by calling it racial innuendo?"

Hannity: "Plausible deniability, O'Reilly. You always call your sons boys, don't you Mitt?"

Mitt: "Sean, my sons are all over thirty, I have way too much respect for them than to call them boys."

[Everyone busts out laughing. High fives and another round of drinks.]

Ailes: "Wait a minute, then why do you always call us boys? [An inebriated Ailes ponders that thought for a moment.] Why you mother fucking Mormon bastard!" [Ailes charges at Mitt before O'Reilly and Hannity wrestle him to the ground. Then, everyone busts out laughing again. A growing wet stain appears in his pants as Ailes loses control of his bladder.]

O'Reilly: "Hey Roger, don't I get any credit for the Big Bird put down?"

Ailes: "That was smart too, Bill. It was a great nod to the nutbag base, to let them know Mitt hasn't gone socialist on them. They HATE PBS."

Mitt: "Hey this is starting to taste pretty good. Give me another glass. AND TURN UP THE MUSIC!"

The sounds are blasting, Ailes is krumping, Sean is breakdancing, Bill is moonwalking and even Mitt is getting his groove on by, fittingly, doing the Robot.
Before long, Mitt has removed his pants and is now dancing in his magic underwear. One more glass of whiskey later and Mitt has removed his underwear and is simulating the act of coitus on a bent over Ailes while pretending to spank his rear end.

Another toast. "TO LUCIFER!!!"