Romney's Pre-Debate Conference

This is how I imagine Romney's debate prep went before the first debate:

Mitt: "Boys, I'm worried. My campaign advisors have me contradicting myself every time I open my mouth.
They have me pandering so much to the far right lunatics that I'm now to the right of Attila the Hun. It's making me look like a total jerk. They even wanted me to go full-bore birther, but that's where I drew the line. The fact-checkers are having a field day with me because everything I say is a lie. My tax cuts will bust the budget. And what about the 47% stuff? Obama is going to crucify me on that."

Debate coach #1: "Calm down, Mitt. We've got it all figured out. Don't worry about the contradictions. You've been doing that for so long that everyone's used to it by now. Your entire career has been based on contradictions. It's part of your charm."

Debate coach #2: "As for going too far to the right, now's the time to pivot to the center."

Mitt: "What!? I've already painted myself into a corner. There's so much shit on tape of me sounding like the John Birch Society that if I pivot now, Obama's going to use the 'etch-a-sketch' charge. I can just picture them playing Santorum's prediction over and over again in their ads."

Debate coach #3: "Yeah, Mitt, we know this is going to be tricky but we've got some good time-tested tricks up our sleeves on how to mitigate that."

Mitt: "Mit-igate. I like that. Mitigating Mitt. Mitt the Mitigater. But how are we going to do that?"

Coach #2: "We throw up smoke screens. We obfuscate. We misdirect. We change the subject."

Mitt: "But what do I say?"

Coach #1: "Just say every nonsensical thing we tell you to say."

Coach #2: "That's correct. You're going to blather. You're going to fiddle-faddle."

Coach #1 : "You're going to give them malarkey. Hokum. Hoodoo, claptrap, complete hooey."

Coach #2: "Tommyrot, Mitt. Totally senseless tommyrot. Flapdoodle and hogwash. Unadulterated codswallop."

Mitt: "Codswallop?"

Coach #1: "That's a British term. It means like, horseshit."

Mitt: "What about balderdash?"

Coach #2: "Of course. We won't forget about that. We've got plenty of balderdash for you. We've got all the blah-blah-blah you can handle."

Mitt: "But how can I get away with complete nonsense? Won't someone just call me on it?"

Coach #3: "Mitt, you don't pay us millions for nothing. We know exactly how to make nonsense sound like it makes sense."

Mitt: "You boys are genius. But what about interviews? I can see how I can get away with that at a press conference but what about a one-on-one interview?"

Coach #3: "You'll only do interviews on Fox News."

Mitt: "Well I know that Hannity will do a great job at making me look good and O'Reilly will give me what only looks like a tough interview, he never pushes it too far, but what about Chris Wallace? He's changed lately. He can be pretty tough and persistent."

Coach #1: "Yeah, all of us over at Fox are pissed off at him. All the criticism and ridicule we've been getting for being just an arm of the Republican Party -- at the same time we're selling ourselves as the 'Fair and Balanced' news station -- has gotten to him. So now he's actually been making an effort to be an honest newsman. I'd fire the turncoat bastard but I'm afraid he'll write a book about us if I do."

Mitt: "Wait a minute, I don't understand, all of us at Fox? Fire him? How could you fire him?"

Coach #1: "Mitt, put your glasses on. It's me, Roger Ailes. And that's Sean and Bill over there. Wake up Mitt and get with the program."

Mitt: "Jesus H. Christ! Ailes, Hannity and O'Reilly! You boys are fucking genius! And Roger, don't be so modest, it's the Republican Party that's an arm of Fox News. [Ailes nods in agreement] But how do I avoid Wallace?"

Ailes: "You can't, Mitt. Unlike the Vietnam War, you won't be able to avoid facing some fire." [overheard whispering and giggling]

Mitt: "Shut up Hannity! Did you ever serve?"

Ailes: "Everybody calm the fuck down. Now pay attention, Mitt. We've got it all worked out. When Wallace asks you the 'etch-a-sketch' question you will reply with a very long and boring answer to a completely different question."

Mitt: "But you know what Wallace is like, he'll just repeat the question."

Hannity: "Then you just give the same long and boring answer. And if he asks you again, you do the same thing until he stops. And believe me, he will stop."

Mitt: "But how do you know? And what about the audience, won't they notice?"

OReilly: "It's precisely because of the audience that he'll stop. The exercise will become so tedious that they will actually get pissed at Wallace for putting them through that torture. They'll even forget what the question was. Wallace will realize this. He won't want to hurt his ratings. On to the next question."

Mitt: "Genius, boys, sheer fucking genius!"

Ailes: "Now back to the debate. Mitt, read and memorize these two pages of talking points." [Ailes hands Mitt the pages]

Mitt: "Hello! Talk about pivoting, you've got me taking left of center positions now.
The job creators will not be paying less taxes!?
Only the parasites -- and by that I mean the poor and middle class -- will be paying less taxes!?
You got me sounding like a socialist. My position on Medicare sounds like the 'public option.' It's actually to the left of the public option because it's subsidized by the government with tax-payer money! My lunatic base was so suspicious of me because of my past positions. I've spent so many months convincing them that I'm just as much of a wing-nut as they are and not a moderate at all. I swore I was severely conservative, remember? They'll be furious."

Ailes: "Take a Xanax Mitt. We're going to put the word out to the base that you're only saying this to get elected. You've done enough ultra-far-right gum-flapping to convince them that you're on their side. They loved the way you called the President an apologizer and sympathizer for the terrorists. And they really admired the way you stuck by your guns by not backing down after the 47% remarks."

Mitt: "Yeah, all I said was that I  'phrased it inartfully.' Heh heh heh heh heh. [laughter from the others in the room]
But all this other stuff you have me saying, none of it is true. Remember the fact checkers?"

Ailes: "Facts have a liberal bias, Mitt. Everybody knows that. Those fact checkers are just a bunch of lefties.
Just like the pollsters and the rest of the media. Just like the schools and colleges and the government and the scientists. They're all lefties except for Fox News and the American people."

Mitt: "You know Roger, with all of those people and organizations you mentioned and considering the fact that half the politicians are Dems and the all the polls are about even, you'd think that half the American people are left of center."

Ailes: "BULLCRAP!!!" [Ailes slams his meaty ham-fists onto the table causing a shocked Romney to jolt backwards, sending his toupee flying off his head.]

O'Reilly: "Mitt, you're wearing a piece!? I'll be damned. Couldn't tell, looks real as hell. But can't you afford some better glue for that? For crying out loud, spring for the bucks, cheapskate."

Hannity: "I'll give you some of  the glue I use. I've never had my hair fly off my head like that."

Mitt: "Are you kidding me, Sean? That's the phoniest looking hair I've ever seen. Did that come with a chin strap?"

Hannity: "You're the one who must be kidding. Did you ever get a load of your running mate's hair? Who do you think gave him that? And yes, it does come with a chin strap. But you can cover it up with makeup, see?"

Mitt: "Amazing.
OK boys, but I'm worried about my tax plan. You know I can't give any details about the plan because those numbers don't add up. Obama's going to point that out and cite the Tax Policy Center's Study as proof. All you have me doing is saying that it does add up. Do you expect me to keep saying that, as if by repeating it enough times, that will make it true? I'll just be setting Obama up to use that very zinger against me."

Ailes: "Read the second page, Mitt. That's where we have you preempt him. As soon as he brings up your 5 trillion dollar tax cut, you say 'That's not true. And repeating it enough times won't make it true.'"

Mitt: "Genius!!! Oh the irony! Falsely accusing him of exactly what I'm guilty of. How sneaky and underhanded."

Ailes: "Yeah, Sean thought of that." [A smiling Hannity leans back in his chair as he polishes his fingernails against his shirt.]

Mitt: "I owe you a bonus, Sean. I'll take it out of O'Reilly's cut, he doesn't seem to have contributed much to this. [O'Reilly grumbles as his fists clench in anger.] Now there's only one last hurdle I can see. It's when I told those rich donors -- my real base -- what I really thought about 47% of the American people.
You have nothing at all about that on these two pages. Like I said, Obama will crucify me on that."

Ailes: "That's our greatest challenge, Mitt. You can't apologize because we right-wing dildo-brains think that's a sign of weakness. Plus we've been falsely accusing Obama of apologizing, going on four years now. We can't give the left the satisfaction of seeing our leader grovel like that. It would devastate and demoralize our base and suppress voter turnout. So we have no other choice but to hope and pray that he doesn't bring it up."

Mitt: "What the fuck!!!? Are you guys nuts!!? That would take a miracle!! Never in a million years would Obama pass up an opportunity like that! You're insane!"

Ailes: "Mitt, take another Xanax. Here, take the whole bottle. Listen, Mitt, you believe in miracles, don't you? Wasn't it a miracle when Joseph Smith invented the Magic Underwear? We've got the entire religious right praying for this miracle. Remember how they made it rain in Texas? You Mormons pray, don't you? Well get started."

Mitt: "Oh God."

O'Reilly: "That's it."

A resigned Mitt: "Well, it was a long shot anyway. I Guess there's only so much anyone can do. Thanks for the good effort boys. Is there anything I can do for you boys?"

O'Reilly: "Yeah, Mitt. You can stop calling us boys.”

Mitt: “Why? You guys aren’t black.”

Hannity: “Jumping Jehovah’s Witnesses! I just had a brilliant idea!”

To be continued...